Why Leaving an Abusive Relationship Is So Hard: Understanding Trauma Bonds, Healing, and Recovery

Written by: Sherry Zhang, LSW

Therapist at Downers Grove Counseling and Wellness PLLC

Leaving an Abusive Relationship: Understanding the Complex Reality

Leaving an abusive relationship is often portrayed in the media as a dramatic turning point: one partner is clearly violent or controlling, the other finally escapes, and the story ends with relief and freedom. In reality, the process is far more complex.

As a therapist who has worked in the field of gender-based violence, I have seen that abusive relationships are rarely defined by pain alone. They often involve love, attachment, hope, fear, grief, and complicated practical realities. Healing does not begin and end with leaving - it is a process that unfolds over time.

Below are several common myths about abusive relationships and the realities that many survivors experience.

 Healing does not begin and end with leaving - it is a process that unfolds over time.

Myth #1: An Abusive Relationship Is Only Painful

If a relationship were painful 100% of the time, most people would never enter, or remain in, it. Abusive relationships often involve both deeply painful experiences and moments of affection, closeness, and hope.

One commonly recognized pattern is known as the Cycle of Abuse: Tension → Explosion → Honeymoon → Tension Again.

1. Tension Phase

During this stage, tension begins to build within the relationship. Conflicts may increase, and subtle forms of abuse can emerge, such as criticism, guilt-tripping, intimidation, or name-calling.

2. Explosion Phase

When tension escalates beyond a threshold, abusive behaviors occur. Abuse can take many forms, including physical violence, emotional abuse, sexual coercion, financial control, or isolation from loved ones and support systems.

3. Honeymoon Phase

After the abusive incident, the abusive partner may apologize, promise to change, express guilt, or make dramatic statements such as, “I can’t live without you.” They may become affectionate, attentive, or loving again.

During this phase, there is often genuine hope that things will improve. The relationship may temporarily feel peaceful, loving, or emotionally close again - until tension gradually begins to build up and the experiences repeat.

This cycle creates emotional confusion and complexity. Survivors may hold meaningful memories of love, support, and connection alongside experiences of fear, harm, and loss of safety. Both realities can exist at the same time.

Myth #2: It Should Be Easy to Leave

People often ask, “Why didn’t they just leave?” The reality is that leaving an abusive relationship is frequently one of the most difficult decisions a person can make. Research suggests that many survivors attempt to leave multiple times before permanently ending the relationship.

One reason is the emotional pull created during the honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle. Each apology, promise, or period of calm can renew hope that the abuse will stop. Some survivors return to relationships after periods of separation because of love-bombing, emotional attachment, or a genuine desire to believe change is possible.

Leaving can also mean losing access to critical parts of one’s life, including:

• Financial stability

• Housing

• Childcare support

• Shared social circles

• Religious or cultural communities

• Pets or family connections

These barriers can become even more significant for individuals from marginalized communities.

For example, a stay-at-home parent may worry about where they will live, how they will financially support themselves, or whether they will maintain custody of their children. A member of the LGBTQI+ community may fear losing access to one of the few spaces where they feel safe and connected if their abusive partner is part of that same community.

Another important factor is trauma bonding - a strong emotional attachment that can form in abusive relationships.

Abuse often exists within a power imbalance, where one partner holds emotional, financial, social, or physical control over the other. Because moments of kindness and affection are unpredictable and inconsistent, they can function as intermittent reinforcement - the same psychological mechanism that contributes to addictive behaviors such as gambling.

The survivor may begin working harder and harder to regain the abuser’s approval, affection, or emotional stability. Over time, this dynamic can feel emotionally compulsive and deeply difficult to break away from.

After leaving, many survivors describe feeling as though they have lost not only a partner, but also a sense of identity, purpose, or emotional direction.

Myth #3: Leaving Marks the End of the Story

Leaving an abusive relationship is not always the end of danger or emotional distress. In some cases, it can trigger escalation.

Survivors may experience:

• Physical or online stalking

• Harassment

• Threats

• Custody disputes

• Financial retaliation

• Social isolation

For some, safety planning may involve relocating, changing phone numbers, deleting social media accounts, or limiting contact with mutual acquaintances. Beyond safety concerns, rebuilding life after leaving can be emotionally and practically overwhelming. Survivors may need to create entirely new routines, navigate legal systems, secure housing or childcare, rebuild community connections, and re-establish financial independence.

At the same time, many layers of emotion can emerge.

Feelings Connected to the Good Memories

• Grief

• Sadness

• Longing

• Emptiness

• Self-judgment for missing someone who caused harm

Feelings Connected to the Abuse

• Anxiety

• Hypervigilance

• Loss of self-esteem

• Difficulty trusting oneself or others

• Post-traumatic stress symptoms

Feelings Connected to Life Changes

• Confusion

• Stress

• Loneliness

• Identity shifts

• Fear about the future

All of these reactions are common and understandable. Leaving an abusive relationship is a major life transition, and healing often takes time.

Navigating the Transition

If you or someone you know is navigating this process, the following coping strategies may help support emotional well-being during periods of transition and uncertainty.

1. Schedule “Non-Worry” Time

Choose several short periods throughout the day to intentionally redirect attention away from stress or rumination. During these moments, focus fully on something unrelated to the situation, such as a game, music, a show, or another grounding activity.

2. Journaling

Writing thoughts down can help organize emotions, reduce repetitive thinking, and create a stronger sense of clarity and control. Journaling can also help track patterns, process experiences, and validate feelings over time.

3. Box Breathing

Try the following breathing exercise:

• Inhale for 4 seconds

• Hold for 4 seconds

• Exhale for 4 seconds

• Hold again for 4 seconds

Repeat for several cycles. Controlled breathing can help regulate the nervous system during periods of anxiety or overwhelm.

4. 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique

To reconnect with the present moment, identify:

• 5 things you can see

• 4 things you can feel

• 3 things you can hear

• 2 things you can smell

• 1 thing you can taste

Grounding exercises can help reduce emotional flooding and increase a sense of safety in the present.

Seeking Support

Healing does not have to happen alone. Working with a therapist or supportive professional can provide space to:

• Process experiences without judgment

• Explore and name emotions

• Reconnect with personal needs and autonomy

• Build new routines and support systems

• Learn coping and grounding skills

• Rebuild a sense of safety

• Strengthen self-esteem and self-trust

Leaving an abusive relationship is not a single moment. Instead, it is a process of rebuilding, grieving, healing, and rediscovering oneself. The story does not end after leaving. A new chapter begins: one centered on safety, autonomy, healing, and reconnecting with who you truly are.